Your tits are I can't wait for
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
