4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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