you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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