I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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