there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
