Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
