Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
