apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
