my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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