I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What a dumb baby whore.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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