What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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