she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
