Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
