I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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