Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
