im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Randomize
