just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
