Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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