Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
