If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
