There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
