Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
