Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
