Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
