after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize