I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
