wrigley field is MILF paradise
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
