I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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