if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
