When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
