hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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