hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
