I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
