YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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