when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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