We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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