Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
