I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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