I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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