how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
