I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
