Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
