My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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