I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
