Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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