Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize