I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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