Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
