Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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