I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
