he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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