i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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