oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
