I accidentally had phone sex last night
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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