Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
