I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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