I cannot find my penis.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
