his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
