so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
