Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
