Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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