i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize