i think my mom watched the whole time
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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