I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found puke in my bra..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
