I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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