I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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