Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
